There is nothing more relaxing after a tough day than someone coming up behind me and pulverizing the crap out of my neck and shoulder muscles.
I’m usually greeted with the scarily masculine “Hey, buddy. Oooh, you’re so tight.” during this awful experience. Get OFF of me! You obviously have no respect for personal space or what I’m doing, so you choose to invade my privacy with your misshapen or clammy hands and try to make conversation.
I know you think it’s friendly, but it’s not. You are enjoying this a lot more than I am. I don’t have friends who sneak up from behind me and try to touch me without any sort of provocation. Besides, the combination of fear and pain that occurs when you grind the hell out of my head’s supporting cables doesn’t qualify as “friendly”. And don’t start with the whole “I just wanted to relax you” crap. You wanted to touch me. And that damn sure better be a roll of quarters in your pocket.
The worst part of this may be when you single someone out; it doesn’t have to be me (be it’s a thousand times worse if it is). That person has to live in fear of being neck-groped every time you and they occupy the same space. Now listen, you: This isn’t something normal people do every day to others. You’re just looking for your jollies from touching another person’s skin or feeling them wince and complain when you massage them.
It’s basically assault.
“But,” you continue to whine, “people make livings out of doing things like that!” Sure, but they’re trained and I pay them money, fully knowing what to expect: relaxation. You insist on taking my neck by surprise and mashing it into a muscly, sinewy pulp. Go away. You’re bothering me.
And if you don’t get it by now: Your neck rubs suck.
Photo Credits: Here