Horoscopes are a daily guide that, using the power of celestial bodies, envisions a group’s potential performance for their daily activities. Sometimes the horoscopes even get cute little star ratings, from 1 to 5, with 5 being the best.
And everything about horoscopes is a bunch of bologna.
Why is this? Well, there’s a few logical reasons.
- Professional Double-Talk – Almost every horoscope is a vague, topic-filled mass of unsubstantial theory. You could probably directly cut and paste one horoscope with one from even a few weeks ago, and no one would know the difference. If you’re looking for synonyms, compare a couple of these “articles”. You’ll be surprised.
- Everyone’s A Winner – Have you ever seen a truly negative horoscope? One that offers up no hope whatsoever? Maybe phrased “You’d be better off dying than going through your day”? I didn’t think so. I’ve only seen horoscopes dip as low as 2 stars, and they almost always offer up advice in those scenarios. No one can win all the time. Life just doesn’t work that way.
- [Insert Name Here] – Again, all horoscopes are written to a generalized mob, based on birthday. As such, writers never really can give words that will actually stick with anyone throughout the day. Nobody likes to feel like a number, and generally dismiss anything that does that to them.
- What Creativity? – You really want to get your readers to care? Mix it up a little. Single out a person and cater instructions specifically for their life for that day. Talk about things that have a statistical improbability of happening, like a sudden, multiple asteroid strikes. Write the horoscope in Portuguese and make your readers decrypt it. These things probably will get you fired faster than anything else, but if you’re creative enough, maybe you’ll get a chance to make some waves.
I’m not sure how, as a society, we decided those shinies in space were so important. Namely, important enough to have a life plan given to us by a glorified blurb writer on a daily basis.
Consider your usefulness, horoscope authors. I’m going to go outside to restore my celestial energy, tracing the sign of Taurus into the ground while cooking small animals through the fumes of incense. I’m feeling a 5 star day coming on.
Let Horoscopes Die