You, Hallway Idiot


Okay, so we all spend a great deal of time on the go. Places to be, people to complain about, yadda yadda yadda. So nothing enrages me more when I have something important to do and you are just standing there with your big stupid face in my big stupid way. You are the Moronic Fire Hazard. Hallways are for moving about in, not stopping to chat. This is a good way to figure out what kind a of person you are; namely, someone so dense that you cannot even fathom walking and talking AT THE SAME TIME. You stand obtrusively in the middle of the hall, ignoring the bodies swarming around, trying desperately to get by. And as a final complaint, and maybe it’s just me, but WHY is it always fat people who stop? Are they talking about dinner plans?

Nextly, there’s your everyday, store-brand Wrong Wayer. You cruise down the hall on the left side, an immovable chore, rushing boldly into traffic and, best of all, not paying attention where you’re going. You make everyone move just for you, so you can have that feeling of being recognized that your loved ones apparently never gave you. I say that the 30 or so people on the right side are more than a match for the one idiot. We’ll take you on.

Other idiotic oddities include the Awkward Sidekick, where you insist on walking beside me at the same pace without making eye contact or talking; the Empty Hall Straggler, who decides to mill around and converse amiably with any unfortunate passerby (if you are one of these, you don’t have any real friends); and the Sloth-Tortise Hybrid, who decides not only to take up the quick-moving lanes of the hall, but also decides to cut-the-cheese-and-run, hoping no one will notice that stench that you aren’t moving quickly away from (again, why, fat people, why?).

You, Hallway Idiot, Need To Die. Or buy a Segway. Or a treadmill.

Great. Now how am I supposed to get to the bathroom?

Great. Now how am I supposed to get to the bathroom?


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2 responses to “You, Hallway Idiot

  1. Don’t forget people who stop in front of you and text

  2. Don’t forget the ones that walk extremely slowly with their pants “sagging” around their knees, and when you try to get by they somehow manage to veer ever-so-slightly in your direction so you’re officially trapped behind the douchebags.

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