Talking To A Computer In The Hopes It Will Speed Things Up

Come on, computer, I just need you to load the editor…fine, I’ll enter the URL again…okay, good, there’s the te-Hey! Why are you still in HTML mode? Hurry up, I just need to get this post in. All I need is a list to depict the individual stages of this behavior, that’s all. Thanks.

  1. Confusion – The subject wonders why the computer cannot as readily perform an action as it “used to be able to”. This may be due to increased system requirements, malware, or a large amount of already open windows. The subject does not consider any of these as part of the problem, and continues the process.
  2. AnnoyanceThe subject, realizing that something must be done, will utter a sigh and repeat the intended action. This stage will be accompanied by one or more cries of “Load already!”, “Work faster”, or other phrases to that effect.
  3. Coaxing Aware that their efforts are failing, the subject issues a series of appeals to the computer. “It’s okay, I’m here.”, “Take as long as you need to save, but do it.”, and “Don’t worry, we’ll do something fun afterwards, okay?” may be said to the terminal in order to promote computing progress. Less patient users may opt to skip this step.
  4. Anger After a sufficient period of time of no visible progress, the subject will start to use more immediate methods to “hasten” progress. They may simply end the program’s process, hit “Print” a couple more times, or even perform a hard shutdown. The subject will then feel that their actions have helped, regardless if they really have or not. If they have not, the subject will repeat the steps from the beginning.
  5. Gratitude The computer will have “finally” completed the action the subject wished to carry out. The subject, appreciative of this, will mutter things like “There we go!”, “Phew, all better.”, and/or “Oh thank god, I almost lost that 25-page dissertation on the principles and ethics of World of Warcraft.”, though the latter is less common.
  6. BackstabbingThe appreciation of the subject usually will not last long; subjects will say or at least think things to the effect of “What a hunk of junk. I should upgrade something.” Fortunately, the computer won’t care – it can not hear. wasn’t too tricky, was it? See, I’m almost done. We’ll do some Solitaire, alright, buddy? Wait, what? Why won’t you publish this? You think I’m generalizing too much? Well, I’ll show you! I’ll make you play “Baby Got Back” all day! How do you feel about that?


Let Talking To A Computer In The Hopes It Will Speed Things Up Die

Photo Credits: Here


2 responses to “Talking To A Computer In The Hopes It Will Speed Things Up

  1. I have realized that ripping the screen off and/or smashing it against the wall doesn’t work either.

  2. I noticed that looking online for solutions work just as well.
    Also, updating your computer once in a while. Add an extra gig of ram, freshen up your video card, update your drivers, clean out your registry, defragment your drives at least once a month. You can even change your processor if you watned to 😛

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