Your Blog

Now, this one’s going to seem a little counter intuitive, but I’ll simplify it for you. Firstly, no, I am not claiming my blog (rather, my place in it) is better than all blogs. It IS, however, better than yours. I could teach you, but I’d have to charge. Anyway, it is better than yours for the following reasons:

1) What’s in a Name? (a.k.a. A rose by any other name would be harder to order over the phone)

A good blog has clear intentions. Yours does not. We at Things That Need to Die hope to rip on things that make life awful and have no good reason for being around. Other examples include 1000 Awesome Things or Cake Wrecks. They are what they claim to be. Your blog, on the other hand, boldly proclaims [Insert Your Hard-To-Pronounce Name]’s Blog!!!!1! at its header.  No one knows what it’s about, nor are they so invested in your personal life that they care to find out. The limited blog traffic and constant whining about injustices done to you will probably shut your site down in a matter of weeks.

2) Improper Use of Grammar (a.k.a. u dun no wat ur doin but ur doin it neways)

And, for those of you who believe it’s spelled “grammer”, you’re helping to make my point. Also notice! You’re. As in you are. Not your. Or youre. Kill me now. Moving on, your (see?) blog has typos and broken English that only the most mentally inactive individuals would struggle through. You illustrate ideas with the grace of a finger-painting hedgehog. No one can comprehend what your message is, further muddling your chances of being even slightly good at blogging. Your blog has less than 2 months to survive (unless you are unnaturally talented at facing constant rejection).

3) Unholy Site Layout (a.k.a Typing in black on a black background doesn’t promote reading)

The eye-blinding scale exploded when it saw your blog. That’s why you don’t hear so much about the eye-blinding scale; you killed it. Now, you force your readers to suffer through bright purple, green, dull brown, and paisley. The color wheel does have a few opposites that don’t fit well together, but you’ve managed to find them all. Your blog will probably be shut down by epileptics, or maybe the color-sensitive. I give you maybe 3 months at most.

4) Repetition of Topics (a.k.a Repetition of Topics)

After a while, blogging gets hard. You start with all of these ideas that you just can’t wait to get down and it feels  like the thoughts are coming sofastyoucaneventhinkand then    you      run              out. So instead of putting your blog into a time capsule by ending and preserving it (see: Bill Watterson), you decide to rehash old ideas. At first no one notices; maybe it’s just deja vu, they reason. But soon you’re struggling to update, and your blog’s substance is reduced to 100% filler. At this stage, your blog has less than 2 days to live (hopefully).

5) Senselessness (a.k.a. Did you see how many ess’s were in that word?)

Your blog has no focus, no coherence, and no material. How could you make it any worse? Well, you could make it incomprehensible. Stringing along random words or just typing odd symbols are a mainstay of yours now. gelsnailvulpixmoonfudge  æπä!!!!??? This behavior shouldn’t be allowed on any blog. Your blog will be gutted and burned in less than a day, if this world contains any justice.

I’d go find one of your examples, but why reward any of these horrible actions with blog traffic? Your blog shall be buried among the other failures. Grave of the Hard-to-Pronounce-Names Blog. I can only hope that educated readers will not entertain these useless blogs with traffic or even troll comments. It’s just not worth the effort. In fact, you had that exact thought when you were blogging, didn’t you? And you wonder why your blog isn’t successful. Maybe other useless people will listen to your ideas on Myspace or Facebook or something.

And my opinions on you vloggers? Oh, I can’t wait for next week.

Your Blog Needs to Die.

It may be sweet, but it sure doesn't know how to fingerpaint.

Photo Credits: Here


6 responses to “Your Blog

  1. i luv u’r blog. :p

  2. “No one can comprehend what your message is, further muddling your chances of being even slightly good at blogging.”
    You use ‘muddling’ to mean lowering, breaking, reducing, etc, rather than to mean to mash up, mix, or confuse. This means that you muddled the verb to muddle with another one. Quite ironic, if I do say so myself.

  3. So, are you writing to everyone who reads this, or to someone in particular?

  4. Pingback: My new Blogroll or what & why I read :) « little coping koala

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