“Like, my parents are super rich so I can totally have whatever I want and stuff.”
“Yeah, your yacht is fine, but I have a jet that can travel 18 times the speed of sound.”
“Dude, I’m telling you, it was THIS BIG!”
I’ve heard you brag before. You’re usually trying to make yourself feel better about something trivial. Maybe you’re trying to impress someone, or maybe you just want the attention. I shall divide you miscreant braggarts into a few types. Brag about it.
1) The Shameless Plugger
Constantly hoisting yourself upon a pedestal without height restriction, you are always talking at me about your latest accomplishment. This personality type of yours is the one I find most aggravating of them all. You jabber about how you did this before I did, or how you’ve achieved more than I have. You don’t hide what you mean, you come right out and say it. You do this because your attempts to connect with friends have failed, so you are constantly validating yourself by bragging. You brag to your ill-perceived “friends” who want nothing to do with your ranting. You probably brag about how many friends you have, when you really have none. You’re suffering from a hurt that words can’t fill, but your personality is so skewed that you believe more bragging will help you feel better. It won’t.
I have gotten rid of a few friends because I didn’t like when they acted this way. You can stop now and avoid a painful confrontation (if not from me, from someone else).
2) The One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Upper
You have an annoying penchant for story-topping. I’m not sure if you just can’t help yourself, but when someone shares something that happened to them, you jump on top of that story and crush it into the dirt with one of your own. More than likely, your story is fabricated, but who cares when everyone is watching you and only YOU, hearing only the tones of YOUR voice, the central point in the world for a few fleeting moments is YOU. And this does feel good. In moderation. You are a compulsive narcissist, ignore needs and emotions of countless other people. You’ve gone into a permanent state of self-worship. Seek help.
Why Bounty? Because you’re the quicker picker-upper. You brag only in front of certain people in order to garner their respect/attention/love/DNA. This usually backfires. If you’ve ever watched TV or been exposed to any form of human interaction in fiction or non-fiction, you’ll notice that habitual liars eventually get caught in one of their lies. The “this won’t happen to me” mentality won’t work for you. It doesn’t work for anyone. You are not immune from the scorn or anger that the person you were trying to impress will cast at you. Bragging can be a form of lying, and the consequences that you will face are truly deserved. Maybe you’ll learn something. Maybe you’ll be so downtrodden that you’ll turn into one of the groups mentioned above. Or towards depression. But hopefully that first thing all the way back, near “truly deserved.”
4) The Hyperbolizer
How tall was it? Make it taller. How tough? Tougher. How cute? KEEYOOTER. This twisting of facts into fiction may serve certain authors well, but don’t make this behavior a habit. Sooner or later you’ll be committing less “innocent” lies. You might start bragging harder, and that’ll alienate your 20 close friends. I mean 50. 200. 1,856 close friends, rather.
And now, to finish (or for you tl:dr’s, start) this segment with a joke.
“Hey, did I see you at Ace Hardware yesterday?”
“Really? I could’ve sworn…come to think of it, there were a lot of tools there. Never mind.”
Your Tendency to Brag Needs To Die. No matter the size of the Tendency. Stop engorging your Tendency. Stop it!