The Gumball Machine For Sale In My Local Mall


“$1299.99″

Curled at the edges due to age, the sign displaying that singular price stares back at me when I look at the forlorn gumball machine outside of Spencer’s Gifts.

What a novel idea – surely someone would love to own their very own gumball machine! Also, it’s too heavy to steal un-noticed, so it’s PERFECT to draw people inside the store! Coupled with the popularity of gum, how could this offer fall through?

That was probably the argument the store proprietor thought of when he originally bought the four-foot device with a see-through, spiral stand. Even the best-laid plans can go awry, and while I can’t be sure that the gumball machine didn’t draw people in to the store, I know that no one has, with gumball machine in tow, come out of it. And so, for eight years has that red-trimmed automated vendor sat there, all but abandoned by thoughts of practicality.

Yes, years. Considering how the price of the machine has never been revised, nor has the sign ever been jostled from its original position inside the glass of the machine, I am begrudgingly led by my imagination to one harrowing conclusion:

The gum in that machine is eight years old.

I’m not very sure about the hardiness of gum, but something inside me retches at the idea of eating food that’s approaching a decade-old existence. This isn’t full of fine wine or fancy cheese, here, either – it’s chemicals and flavorings in hardened, ball form. Maybe knowing that they’d still be perfectly fine is an even more disturbing thought…

Thinking about it in terms of the gum’s age certainly must have off-put any prospective buyer many a year ago. Or perhaps it was the high price tag. Or the heft of the machine. Or thinking about the true applications of a personal gumball machine.

Maybe it’s time to fill that gumball machine with wine and cheese.

Let The Gumball Machine For Sale In My Local Mall Die

Photo Credits: Here

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