Category Archives: food

Stylish Gum Packages


That’s right! These oddly patterned, chewing-medium holders are sure to compliment hipsters of all sizes! They’ll match perfectly with your other essentials, like hairbrush covers, scarf tassles, and berets.

Thanks, Orbit gum. No, no, really.

Let Stylish Gum Packages Die

Photo Credits: Here

Contused Grocery Carts


Ah, the grocery store, a place of Wonder™. It seems like it has All™ you need in a nice, row-by-row design. Large enough to Shout™ in, and yet still small enough to feel friendly.

Anyway, we humans figured out that, hey, we can’t really carry a lot at a time without some fierce ingenuity or tool-based assistance. Opting for the latter, the grocery cart was born! Well, the wheel and other things sorta came before that, but, stay with me here. The grocery cart allows people to easily and effectively put stuff in it and push it around. Magic!

Well, that’s how it should work, anyway. But no, carts never seem to get moved out of the rotation. Nor are there any really identifiable “lightly used” ones that the average person could quickly identify. Nope, most of the time one is stuck with the luck of the draw. Problem is bad luck seems to happen more often than good. Maybe your cart squeaks every time you turn. Maybe the plastic piece on the handle is broken and is jabbing you in the hands. Worst of all is when one or more wheels are somehow too tight to move around and skid perpendicular to the direction you’re currently heading.

Let’s give it up for convenience! Instead of telling someone about the issue (which probably wouldn’t get too far anyway, but hey, worth a shot), or even try out the cart before loading it with stuff and then choosing a better one, most of us plow through with the contraption, doing our best to keep the chrome and plastic beast in our reins.

At least it didn’t spontaneously combust. Then those poor freezer items would be ruined!

Let Contused Grocery Carts Die

Photo Credits: Here

Ice-ning and Wudder


https://i0.wp.com/farm3.static.flickr.com/2127/2041306772_a95c35db24.jpgFor a day that’s all about food, it seems only fitting to nitpick on the pronunciations on some of these simple items.

When you’re making a cake, or, heck, even a cupcake, what does one put on top of it? Gee, that’s tricky. Sprinkles? Before that. Pudding? Nah. Icing? Why, yes, dear sir, have some caviar in the back room and make yourself comfortable.

What icing is not, however, is the curious combination of the word “ice” and the noise “ning”. That’s not a real thing. So don’t say it. Ever. Now, go lick edible elements from the gutters outside, peon.

Okay, here’s an easier one. You ready? Good. Wah. Ter. Water. That basic thing that everyone needs to live. Simple, huh? Oh, English, such a tame beast now.

What water is not would be an udder with the attachment of a ‘w’ on the beginning of it. Unless you’re breeding specialty cows, I don’t wanna hear about wudders. Got it?

Good. Happy Thanksgiving, to my American friends.

And to everyone who speaks English: Say things correctly. Thanks.

Let Ice-ning and Wudder Die

Photo Credits: Here

The Gumball Machine For Sale In My Local Mall


“$1299.99″

Curled at the edges due to age, the sign displaying that singular price stares back at me when I look at the forlorn gumball machine outside of Spencer’s Gifts.

What a novel idea – surely someone would love to own their very own gumball machine! Also, it’s too heavy to steal un-noticed, so it’s PERFECT to draw people inside the store! Coupled with the popularity of gum, how could this offer fall through?

That was probably the argument the store proprietor thought of when he originally bought the four-foot device with a see-through, spiral stand. Even the best-laid plans can go awry, and while I can’t be sure that the gumball machine didn’t draw people in to the store, I know that no one has, with gumball machine in tow, come out of it. And so, for eight years has that red-trimmed automated vendor sat there, all but abandoned by thoughts of practicality.

Yes, years. Considering how the price of the machine has never been revised, nor has the sign ever been jostled from its original position inside the glass of the machine, I am begrudgingly led by my imagination to one harrowing conclusion:

The gum in that machine is eight years old.

I’m not very sure about the hardiness of gum, but something inside me retches at the idea of eating food that’s approaching a decade-old existence. This isn’t full of fine wine or fancy cheese, here, either – it’s chemicals and flavorings in hardened, ball form. Maybe knowing that they’d still be perfectly fine is an even more disturbing thought…

Thinking about it in terms of the gum’s age certainly must have off-put any prospective buyer many a year ago. Or perhaps it was the high price tag. Or the heft of the machine. Or thinking about the true applications of a personal gumball machine.

Maybe it’s time to fill that gumball machine with wine and cheese.

Let The Gumball Machine For Sale In My Local Mall Die

Photo Credits: Here

Noisy Eaters


MUNCH CRUNCH CHOMP CRUSH KRRZK MUNCH MUNCH OM NOM OM NOM NOM

We get it – your salad is full of crisp lettuce and croutons. While you’re busy announcing that with your absurdly loud chewing noises, the rest of us are busy trying to enjoy the silence and have some polite, subdued conversation. So could you please muffle that garbage disposal you call a mouth and we’ll try to remember what quiet feels like, okay?

Oh sweet Blackbeard, he’s going for his drink.

Let SLUPPPPNoiTPHUHUPsy EaGURGLESWALLOWters Die

Photo Credits: Here

Accidentally Determining Milk’s Sourness By Taste


“Oh, sweet!” you think in the dairy aisle, “this milk won’t expire for two whole weeks!

So, fearing nothing, on the third day you once again open that two-third full carton and pour yourself a glass. Taking a big swig, you can’t help but notice that something is a little…off.

Well, at least the decaying vomit won’t be missed when you whip up a fresh batch of your own, to be expelled in the nearest toilet or sink.

And let’s not forget that small pang of guilt that occurs when there’s plenty of milk left, but not a drop to hygienically drink.
Perhaps its the taste of decaying vomit that assaults your tongue. Maybe it’s that chunk that just went down your throat, or other other chunk that you mashed between your teeth.

Let Accidentally Determining Milk’s Sourness By Taste Die

Photo Credits: Here

Accidentally Touching Used Gum


https://i0.wp.com/farm2.static.flickr.com/1146/530041412_045f704c2c.jpgGum (masticonous histrtechus) is a boneless, brainless organism that traditionally lives out its life cycle entirely within damp, warm ecosystems. Having an affinity for flesh, tissue paper, foil, or plastic bags, most gums will live out their lives slowly decaying, unseen by other organisms.

However, careless pilots have introduced these gums to new, uninhabited territory. Formica, wood, tile, concrete, and other surfaces are the most common release sites. Having no natural predators, gum in these areas are free to not roam, and trap many of their unsuspecting prey – fingers. While the acidic coating upon the gums will not dissolve a quickly reacting human, the neurotoxin it seeps will cause a brief bout of psychological trauma. Additionally, if the gum has been parasitically infected, the infection has a chance to move to a new host.

What can you do to stop this devastation? Well, just follow this rule and convince others to do the same:

Don’t stick gum where it doesn’t belong.

Let Accidentally Touching Used Gum Die

Photo Credits: Here